It’s like Kung-Fu Panda, without the Panda

Kung-Fu on the NES is really old.  In fact, it was actually one of the systems launch titles, a concept which blows my mind.  As far as most people (myself included) are concerned, the only game for the NES for the first like 5 years was Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt.  Oh and I guess that Gyro game if you were a certified baller and had yourself a ROB.
Anyway, for such an old-timey basic game, I actually find it very hard.  Then again, I don’t really have the sense of nostalgia necessary to play it at any length, so that’s probably the biggest contributing factor to why I’ve never completed it, despite its short length.

Press Button C to throw a Grenade . . . Awesome Power!

I’ve been infatuated with the Metal Slug series ever since I downloaded a NeoGeo emulator and tried it out on a whim.  I used to think Contra 3 was the pinnacle of side-scrolling shoot’em-ups, but I was completely blown away.  I am a firm believer that sprite graphics make a game timelessly beautiful, and the Metal Slug series easily backs up that claim.  The amount of work that went into every detail of the animations is breathtaking.  It’s also a blast to play, and if you add a friend in the mix, it becomes 450% better.

Luckily my good friend Noah was on hand to fight off the alien forces.  He may be a little rough around the edges, but my wisdom and his courage (combined with the ultimate power that is INFINITE CONTINUES) allow us to persevere.

Has there ever been a more awesome attack than the unstoppable Zombie Vomit Bloodstream?

I Need a Gunstar Hero

 

Gunstar Heroes is widely considered one of the Sega Genesis’ top games, and also has the distinction of being exclusive to the console (and it’s hand-held counterpart.)  Due to my lack of Genesis experience growing up, I never really had a chance to play this game until more recent years.  It’s basically a very intense, kicked-up version of Contra, and also quite fun.

Just be careful who you play two player with . . .

Amazing that they used to be such vandals -OMGCHIP-

When I was a young and sprightly lad, I often found myself enjoying programs that were broadcast and received via my television.  One such “block” of programing was known as the Disney Afternoon.  It contained several shows I fancied, one of which starred a familiar pair of chipmunks in a very unfamiliar setting.  It seems that somehow Chip and his cohort Dale managed to take their lifestyle of tormenting (the usually deserving) Donald Duck and focus that energy into community service.  They did this by forming their own vigilante crime-solving organization known as the Rescue Rangers.  Even though they were quite small in comparison to human civilization, this did not deter them from their lofty goal.  I found their devil-may-care attitude and re-purposing of household items to be very inspirational.  Also the theme song was amazing.

Oh and also there was an NES game based on the show.  I played it.

Stay a while and listen . . . -OMGPALADIN-

Back in my high school days, Diablo 2 was a phenomenon.  Me and my friends would stand around in the morning waiting for the first bell, and discuss all of the epic loots we had come across the previous night.  I remember first learning of the expansion, with its tales of new classes and double stash size.  Of course, I never got a character past level 50, but that’s just because I was too stupid to spec into the right skills.  Back in those days, putting a point into a skill was signing a life long contract.

Anyways, the Paladin was the first class I tried, but it would be the agile Assassin that won my heart.  Maybe I’ll make a video about her someday . . .

PROTIP:  HIT RATING MY GOD GET MORE HIT RATING!  I CAN”T FUCKING HIT SHIT GODDAMN!

Rock that Bayou! -OMGBILLY-

 

William of the Bayou leads a most precarious life.  Under constant assault from birds, alligators, divers, and Elvis impersonators, he had to learn to adapt to survive.  Also Annabelle, the large breasted love of his life, has been abducted.  William must take it upon himself to secure her rescue.

PROTIP:  This game is impossible.  Seriously.  Don’t even bother.

 

Also the music in this game is amazing.  Here it is, in case my fanatical ranting makes it difficult to hear.

 

 

If that’s a bit to sedated for you, then I suggest you ROCK THAT BAYOU!

 

Post-Christmas Madness

So I asked eight of my friends to suggest games for videos, and here are the results:

OMGMARTY – Back to the Future [NES]

Why is it the greatest movies make the shittiest video games?  Thanks for nothing Jeff.

OMGTEENAGEMUTANTNINJATURTLES – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [NES]

As much as I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid, this game caused me so much childhood sadness.  Hope your happy Mike.

OMGJAMES – Goldeneye 007 [Nintendo 64]

A sophisticated game for true gentlemen.  Keep it classy  Panguan.

OMGFOX – Star Fox 64 [Nintendo 64]

USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH! USE THE BRAKE! DO A BARREL ROLL! I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT STAR FOX! ONLY I HAVE THE BRAINS TO RULE LYLATT! YOU”RE BECOMING MORE LIKE YOUR FATHER!  Sorry the video isn’t better Noah.

OMGFRED? – Battle Hunter [Playstation]

I still have no idea what was happening.  Can’t comprehend what you see in it Shaun.

OMG WARRIORS OF LIGHT GAIDEN – Final Fantasy Tactics [Playstation]

Decided to combine a great game with some interesting characters.  I still refuse to equip any flails Shawn.

OMGFRANK – Dead Rising [Xbox 360]

Frank West is a war-covering globetrotter.  Levi I hope you find the video FAAAAANTASTIC!

OMGHUNK2 BLOOD LUST – Resident Evil 4 [Gamecube]

The return of the man that started it all.  Garrett, where’s ya curlay moustache?

IDCLEV32 -OMGDOOMGUY-

Fire will hurt Jason the most. -OMG . . . MARK?-

Friday the 13th is a terrible NES game.  No one is arguing otherwise.  I have to say though, as a child I found it quite terrifying.  Every single time Jason just randomly bust all up in your grill I shit my drawers.

The game is really about resource management.  You have to try and equip all 6 characters, you have to make sure someone is close to the lake at all times to help the children, and most importantly you have to keep the only man Jason fears alive.

There’s a lot more to this game than is displayed here, including more powerful weapons (machete, axe, pitch fork, torch) and an optional battle with the floating disembodied head of Mrs. Voorhees.  Also the game doesn’t end until you kill Jason THREE FUCKING TIMES.  Christ.

PROTIP:  DO NOT LOOSE MARK.  ALL OTHER CHARACTERS ARE MEAT SHIELDS TO BE THROWN AT JASON.

Raid ‘dem Tombs! -OMGLARA-

Tomb Raider 2 is the only game in the Tomb Raider series that I have played to completion.  This is due to two factors:

1. I had a players guide.

2. It allows you to save in any location an unlimited number of times.

Considering the entire franchise was built upon running and jumping and praying that Lara manages to grab ahold of a ledge, that second factor was pretty much mandatory.  In the time period that I played it, it was an alright game.  I could never imagine myself going back and playing it now though.  Except, or course, to entertain you good folks with this video.

Just so you know, if I hadn’t fallen 1000′ to my death, there is totally a T-Rex down in that pit to fight.  In the bottom of the Great Wall of China.  True story.

PROTIP: DO NOT LOSE YOUR FOOTING!